here's a letter for you, in blog entry version.
 
Dear you. 

You. I am not like before. I mean, I can't treat you like what I did to you on our first date. Like the one you know the last three month. 

I wish, and I really wish that I can be like what you want me to be, back again. But there is nothing more that I want other than you to understand this situation and this depression. I am still myself. I am still the girl that you first time see on the 27th August 2011.

But, what can I say here. I just cannot explain to you, what's happenning. What is happening now is just happened. And I just can't figure it out how you feel right now. I just hope that you stop pushing me. I believe, that one day you will understand this. What was just happened to me, believe you don't have to know, but what you have to do is to let me go and let this thing gone naturally.

We were in a complicated state so many times before. I gave too many chances. But you let it go. That's why you need to really understand how's the heart plays. It's just not only an organ. But it contains of feelings and dignity. And you missed that part. I just don't know, why. I became too kind to forgive you so many times. Maybe that's because of my hidden agenda. But, somebody that plays the biggest role in my life had already brainwash me. 

That, the agenda should come second. This principle must lead.

Well, I think you don't have to be tell bout the principle, since we were been together for three month, I think you can figure it out by yourself. I just thought that you'll change. But, you haven't. I always think, can he change? You don't wanna listen to me. And that's the worst part. I'm rely too much on you. And that's my biggest mistake. I wish we can undo this but this can be the best lesson to both of us. 

If we can make up again. I want us to be the new person with the same body. I want to start all over again. Without you know my past, and without me reminisce your mistake. Only then we can be better. 

I told you, and I think you remember this 'kalau you faham I, we'll be okay'. But I guess 'faham' was too deep and complicated. So, I'm sorry. Because I am so me. So you won't understand. Maybe I ni alien kot? I ni menyusahkan you actually. Being me, I'm just so me. Susah sangat sebenarnya I nak carik best partner ni. Since, you told me you don't have an experience, I ingat I boleh shape you jadi the guy that can suit my soul. Tapi I silap. I takde hak and you memang you. Sikap. Kita tak boleh ubah. 

We're not meant to each other kot? Kan? I don't have the criteria that you actually need. Kita mungkin sehati tapi tak sejiwa? This is the weird part of me. Jiwang. I don't like this kind of talk. But, that's the word best can describe.

Please, don't think I forgot all the memories. I ingat setiap perincian pasal you, tapi I tak tunjuk. I am not a diary person. I am also not the status updater for every hour.

And never think that I hate you, sebab memang tak pernah terlintas dalam diri I. You should be logical in this. Takkan I nak benci you. For what? That's why I said you tak faham I. There is no reason I should hate you. So, don't talk crap lah babe. And I never forget you. You'll always in my mind. Macam I cakap kan, unless I hilang ingatan.

So, dalam masa terdekat. I don't want any commitment. I want to spend my time for myself. Dah lama I tak dapat lepak 24/7 depan tv. Without phone in my hand without guy in my head. One day you'll know, apa itu komitmen. And one day you'll also know, when you want your life back so much. I rasa I'm in island now. I'm kinda freak person. So hard to understand me. So, I'm so sorry.

Eddy.

:  from Raja Nur Afiqah.

Tanggang your way

Susah jadi manusia macam aku kan. Takde lagi ke manusia selain aku yang punya naluri sembunyi-sembunyi. Ada hati simpan-simpan. Punya perasaan pendam-pendam. Biar kita jadi kawan. Biar kita sama kita je tahu matlamat hidup kita. Pegang prinsip sesama.  Tapi sayang, belum pernah ada.

Seluruh manusia sekeliling aku tak pernah siapa yang faham. Susah sangat nak faham aku. Sorry aku tak dapat jadi manusia menjejeh cerita. Sorry aku tak suka berkongsi apa dalam kepala. Aku tak mampu jadi semua. Lantang aku tu kurang ajar. Keluh aku tu biadap. Diam aku tu bangkang. Air mata aku tu melawan. Tapi semua tu salah anggap. Aku bukan anak 'sorry mama' aku bukan anak 'maaf ayah'.

Aku bodoh pamer perasaan. Aku tak geti. Kalau sayang diam-diam. Kalau memerlukan pun aku diam. Aku tak geti tunjuk. Sebab aku tetap aku. Dalam semua, aku hidup berkeluarga, aku bercouple, aku berkawan, aku belajar. Aku tetap dengan cara aku. Sampai setiap perihal aku, semua salah anggap. Semua jadi tak percaya. Aku benci situasi mendesak. Dan situasi mendesak datang bila aku mula sedih melampau sebab semua tak percaya aku. 

Salah ke punya impian setinggi langit tapi simpan dalam hati. Dosa ke punya rasa kasih seluas laut tapi pendam ke dalam diri. Biar aku dengan cara aku. I live my life. Aku ada cara aku. I make it my way doesn't mean I don't hear you. I stand by my own way doesn't mean I ignore you. After all, it doesn't mean I'm rude. I am not Tanggang. I am never Tanggang even in my way. It's JUST misunderstanding. People never try to get to know me. Not even one person. Everybody, you can torture me physically. But not mentally. Everybody. If it's never cross in your mind to try to know me better. Then, NEVER JUDGE ME. Because I am so me. I am who I am. You can assume but never judge. But, you can misjudge me but please believe me. Have faith on me. Jadi manusia pelik pun salah. Semudah aku jadi manusia. Orang sekeliling buat complicated.

Aku tak boleh berkawan. Jadikan lah. Aku bukan tanggang. Kalau meneguh hujah itu menunjukkan yang aku ni tak boleh terima. Takpe. Lepas ni aku diam. 

Sebab aku anak, sebab aku perempuan, sebab aku pelajar, sebab aku muda. Sebab aku bukan ibu bapa, sebab aku bukan lelaki, sebab aku bukan pendidik, sebab aku bukan tua. Sebab aku tak cukup garam, sebab jagung aku muda, sebab aku bukan siapa-siapa dan takde apa-apa. So, aku layak diam dan ikut. 

Kalau ada perasaan buang, kalau ada hati pijak, kalau ada suara bisukan, kalau ada mata butakan, kalau ada telinga pekakkan dan paling penting kalau ada prinsip musnahkan. Ikut prinsip orang, jangan ada prinsip sendiri. Sebab hidup aku dan orang lain kongsi-kongsi. Jadi prinsip perlu seia sekata. 


Aku bersuara tak bermakna aku kurang ajar. Aku ikut dan dengar. Tak bermakna aku dendam. Apa yang aku rasa tak betul, aku hidupkan hujah aku tapi lepas tu aku ikut. Tak pernah aku bangkang. Bagi lah aku nasihat segantang sebulat. Sebulat-bulat aku turut walau aku buat bukan secara terus dan sebiji. Sebab aku buat cara aku bersama prinsip aku. Tapi cara aku tu susah nak diterima. Takpelah, aku lupakan apa yang dah aku amalkan belas-belas tahun. 

Sayangnya, aku terima, dengar, ikut, yakin, dikata aku degil, keras kepala, hati batu, kurang ajar. Tuduh lah aku. Aku nangis bukan sebab aku tak boleh hidup tanpa apa yang aku layankan sehari-hari tapi aku nangis sebab kepercayaan untuk aku ditolak mentah-mentah. Ada pun rapuh goyah.


Kehidupan sehari-hari tak perlu politik. Bosan.


Oh btw, kalau faham aku separuh membuatkan kita semua huru hara. Maka jangan fahamkan langsung.

Ketidakadilan manusia adalah kerana kesinambungan dari perasaan lahap dunia.

Semoga Tuhan tidak membenci kita.
Semoga kita bersyukur apa adanya.